What You Can't Have if You Are a Woman in Theatre

I have house-fever. Not baby-fever, but house-fever. I dream of owning a house, what it will look like, how the sun will pour through the windows, and how I will have friends over and they will admire the art on my walls as I feed them fresh baked-goods.

These daydreams play a role in answering the question, "What happens after graduate school?" which I have been getting far too much lately. I have a few ideas for specific projects up my sleeve, but what I really want to do is find a place that I want to live for at least five years, and become a part of the community. And maybe buy a house (though, in my dreams, house can be synonymous with apartment, so home-ownership isn't necessary, just a great place to call my own). This magical place I want to live will likely have a large theatre community because it will likely be a large city, but to be honest, my desire to settle somewhere for a long period of time isn't about theatre.

And there is the problem.

To be sure, the idea of a house and community lay the groundwork for starting a family someday, and I've been grappling with how I will balance creating a home and family with the crazy hours and travel schedule set forth by my chosen profession. And then I read about female scene designers and how many of them hardly have functioning marriages, let alone children. Articles that talk about these fantastic women usually touch on their choice to move away from the traditional female role of mother, deciding that motherhood is not their primary role or altogether unnecessary.

I wonder about this choice before me because I've worked with many amazing women who seem to have found a way to balance their lives. Both have had incredibly supportive partners, but I also feel like it goes back to the old statement "where there is a will, there is a way." Nevertheless, their conviction to have it all has been questioned. People wonder if the children are getting enough time with mommy or whether it's okay to miss important moments in your child's life because of the strict schedule theatre keeps.

The choice laid before women in theatre I feel is unfair, and not just because family and theatre should not be mutually exclusive. Instead, I think this notion that women are going to or should put family first keeps women from powerful creative positions. Or, people wonder at the unnaturalness of a woman with no desire to have a family and put her career first. I don't think mothers or fathers want to be absent from their child's life, but it is somehow okay for a father to work and travel too much. Similarly, society hardly bats an eye at a successful, child-less man.

To bring it back to my house-fever, is it so wrong of me to want to anchor my work in a community rather than idealize a nomadic existence, hopping from theatre to theatre following some sort of success trajectory? Some of my mentors and peers think I will be selling myself short (unless, of course, that community is New York...). I suppose my priorities are different, because I have always valued a strong arts presence in communities and have appreciated theatres that nurtured local artists rather than always flying in outsiders. I also hope that having roots in a community will keep me grounded if I travel, and I think the same goes for having a family waiting at home. Sure, compromises will have to be made because the schedule of a daredevil child is not going to mesh well with that of first dress. Life never really seems to want to work within the confines of a production calendar anyway, but just because I have an X-chromosome does not mean I can't have a successful, fruitful career as a designer and consider or even start a family. And if I have to face that choice, then my male counterparts do too.